the fear returns

i haven’t felt it for awhile
of course, in your head you
know it’s always there
but you can’t live like that
waiting for it, dreading it
but you never know how or
when it will come

sometimes it pounces
like a stealthy
thief hiding in a doorway in the hall
leaping from the shadows
you’re body-slammed
wriggling, spitting, cursing
a jumbled ball of panicked adrenalin
and it’s all about surviving
no time to think, just
react and do what it takes to
outlast
even if you end up with
jacob’s limp
you rise and walk on

but sometimes
it dawns, emerges, infiltrates, suffuses until
you feel
the gnawing in your gut
the inability to focus
the mental bleariness until
you explode
in sudden shocking outbursts when
the smallest of things go wrong
you scream in traffic
slam the phone down
damn the whole invisible world
but it’s not a relief, you find
the knife still twists slowly
feeling not so much like
butterflies as tiny vultures
circling

god, i’m so
afraid